Al's Bad Day
by Koko-chan1
Summary: Alphonse Elric has a rotten day... Elricest


Al's Bad Day

Warning: Smut. Immediate smut. Elricest smut. If you don't like it, don't read it. Also silliness and a few OCs.

ooooo

_Pleasure, sweet and hot, rolled over his skin like molten honey, leaving him breathless as he squirmed anxiously against the sheets. He was achingly aware of the hands that touched him, running over naked skin in ways that made his whole body sing with delight and need. One hand warm with calluses that just barely caught the skin, the other cold and hard but still so carefully gentle, the combination of sensations sent shivers down his spine. He arched his back, rising up into the caresses, greedily drinking in the amazing feeling of being loved by the most important person in his life. More…he wanted more, begging without words._

_ A chuckle came from above, his lover grinning at him in a way that made his heart pound, bright sun-gold eyes gazing into his own. The other spoke, and though the haze of pleasure was far too thick to make out the words, the affection in that voice was more than enough to drive the spikes of desire even deeper into his body. He writhed and mewled, the only answer he was capable of giving, and was rewarded with another chuckle and a kiss so intense as to consume his very soul. If asked, he would have gladly given it just to keep those silken lips and glorious hands for just a moment longer. The fact that those things were given freely made his heart pound all the harder._

_ The kiss ended all too soon, but only so those lips could join the hands in their slow but thorough conquest of his body. Everywhere his lover touched felt like sweet lightning, making him gasp. And when those torturous lips moved to the very core of his need, the gasp became a cry._

_ "Niisan!"_

*BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING*

Alphonse Elric shot up from his bed, face flaming and aching in a rather embarrassing region of his body. He fumbled at the alarm clock next to his bed with one hand while the other quickly made sure that any evidence of his dream was covered by blankets. His eyes darted anxiously over to the other side of the room. Fortunately for Al's peace of mind, his older brother Edward Elric, the infamous Fullmetal Alchemist and subject of Al's most recent nighttime fantasy, had hardly stirred. The younger blonde supposed he shouldn't be surprised; after years of surviving wars, deceit, corruption, homicidal homunculi and all sorts of other mortal dangers both in this world and the one he had been trapped in for the previous two years (Al _still _didn't know just what Ed had done or what the exchange had been for him to finally return to Amestris from Germany) no mere alarm clock was going to intimidate Ed.

Al found it mildly unfair that _he_ was still a slave to the bell. Why had it still been set, anyway? This was his day off! Still, it meant he'd been awakened before anything happened that would result in needing to wash the sheets and facing the glare of the laundry lady. Or worse, waking Ed up to ask embarrassing questions. So with a silent sigh of relief, Al slid out of bed and into the adjoining bathroom to deal with his rather large problem.

"What the fuck _is_ this?" he growled to himself as he turned on the shower, "What the fuck was _that_?"

A stupid question, of course. "That" had been a wet dream, and not anywhere near the first. "This" was a rather serious case of lovesickness. Al had yet to accept either of those facts calmly, horrified at himself for how his emotions had twisted into something so unnatural.

He loved his brother. That was _right_. Normal.

But he also desired Ed as a lover, and that was _wrong_. He knew that, but couldn't stop wanting him.

With a troubled little sigh, Al stepped under the warm spray of water, his skin still so sensitized that the feel of his hair brushing over his shoulders and the caress of the water made him shiver. And though Al hated himself for it, he moved his hand to the water-slick proof of his shameful desire and continued the dream.

The young alchemist stifled a moan as in his mind's eye, Ed's mouth suckled hard at his erection, those incredible hands that had always protected him now seeking out and exploiting every sensitive spot he had. Ed never looked up from his task of making Al writhe, not only because he was so focused on his objective, but because Al could not imagine how those stunning golden eyes might look stained with desire. How could something so beautiful possibly become more so? Al didn't know, _couldn't_ know, but the very thought of it caused him to speed the strokes on his cock, biting his lip to keep from crying out.

His mind conjured dreams of his brother's hands, so careful as they wandered lower; touching in ways that no one had ever touched him. How incredible it would be if Ed would make love to him! Al mewled hungrily, pushed near the edge by the imagined feel of those slim hips striking against his own, driving deep into his body. There would be pain, he was sure, but also joy, because he would be giving all of himself over to the older brother he adored.

Al writhed, trapped in his fantasy, falling faster and faster into ecstasy. His heart pounded, that throbbing pulse giving an echo of deep thrusts. The metal shelf set into the corner of the cramped shower dug into his hip, becoming an automail hand. The water hissed as if fell, becoming a husky voice that filled his ears. Wet heat surrounded him, becoming a sweat-soaked embrace.

It was wrong, the greatest of taboos, but it was everything that Al wanted, and at that point, the guilt and feeling of doing the forbidden was more of a thrill than anything else. He _craved _it, craved his brother so intensely that it was almost obsession, and he couldn't stop himself from gasping out a plea in the shape of his brother's name as he climaxed. Ecstasy swamped him, making his head fall back and his spine arch as if offering himself to the fading phantasm.

The euphoria was fleeting. It always was, and soon Al was left physically relaxed but emotionally turbulent. The younger Elric brother was having that dream more and more often, leaving him short on sleep and increasingly depressed. He needed to talk to someone, maybe get advice on how to fix himself before his perversion cost him the most precious person in his life.

He slipped back into his room, nearly having a heart attack when he heard a thump from Ed's bed, but the older brother had only rolled over in his sleep, and was now muttering something about apricots.

One last sigh, this time mildly frustrated, but still affectionate. Al quickly dressed, making a face at the clock, which told him it was no later than six-thirty. Here he was, back from a long mission and longer travels, and he'd been forced out of bed way too early in the morning to agonize over problems with no easy solutions. How _was_ it that Ed could make trouble for him without actually _doing_ anything? Shaking his head, Al left the room and his beloved sleeping brother.

ooooo

Colonel Meredith Bianca was a beautiful woman in the same fashion that a diamond was beautiful. Her black hair was fastened into o a perfect bun at the back of her head, combining elegance and functionality. Her ice blue eyes were striking, set into a triangular face with high cheekbones and a small mouth always set in an expression of stern dignity as she looked at Al from behind her desk, uniform and papers just as perfectly organized and efficient as the rest of her. Altogether a lovely sight, but very cold and impersonal, just like a gemstone.

She was in charge of Al's group of State Alchemists, and she lived and breathed her work. Al liked her because she firmly believed in matching the mission to the alchemist's abilities. That had meant that once he'd been transferred into her unit, there were no more solo "hero" missions. Thanks to Colonel Bianca, his solo missions were all things small enough to handle, and larger missions were always done with a partner. It had been a nice change.

Colonel Bianca also insisted on knowing when one of her agents had a problem, so Al had thought she'd be the best person to go to for advice.

He was starting to regret that choice.

"So let me get this straight," Bianca said in her clipped, precise voice, "You find yourself in love with this person whom you do not care to name, but claim the match is impossible and possibly inappropriate. And because of the resulting stress, you dream of sex with this person."

Al could feel all the blood rushing to his face. Said like that, it all sounded so horribly _childish_. "Yes, Colonel Bianca."

One slender midnight brow rose. "This is hardly the sort of thing you should bring to the attention of your commanding officer."

"But…but…I didn't have anyone else to go to!" Al protested, embarrassment making him perhaps a little louder than normal. And since he realized that, it just got him more embarrassed.

"Why not your brother? Is that not the normal way to go about such matters?" Bianca pointed out.

The younger Elric brother blanched at the mere thought. Ask _Ed_ for advice when he was the cause? Hell no!

"Ah…no. Definitely no."

Bianca's brow rose a little further.

"No?" Her tone spoke far more volumes than any one word should have a right to under the rules of physics, nature, or equivalent exchange. Al wondered how she did that even as he cowered slightly under it. He liked his commander, but that didn't mean he didn't fear her wrath.

"No," he said again, mildly humiliated to realize it had come out as a squeak, "Commander, to be brutally frank, talking to Ed about sex and romance is like talking to a bird about the windshield it just smacked into. Even if you described it, he'd be too stunned by the whole thing to comprehend it. You just don't _talk_ to Ed about this sort of thing." Even trying to _imagine_ such a conversation was awkward, and Al found himself blushing again. "Look, I just wanted advice on how to get over this!" he pleaded, "I'm losing sleep, getting distracted by the oddest things, and in general just driving myself insane!"

"Spirit Walker," Bianca said, and Al winced. When the colonel used his military title, it meant she was losing patience with him. "How old are you?"

Al wondered why he felt a sense of foreboding. "Sixteen…"

Bianca raised both eyebrows this time. A very bad sign. It meant she was about to be brutally honest. "At this point, Alphonse, you are past old enough to hit your sexual peak. With your hormones and genitals both fully mature, it should come as no surprise to have fixated yourself on the first warm body that catches your interest. Wet dreams are a common result and hardly the end of the world."  
"BIANCA!" Al wailed, floored by such blunt speech.

"Am I wrong?" the colonel replied calmly, and Al hated the fact that she wasn't. This meeting had gone beyond embarrassing into completely crushing, and the only walking his spirit wanted to do by this point was out the door and down into a deep hole where he could hide until the humiliation wore off. Twenty years sounded about right…

"You didn't have to say it quite like that," the blonde whined, slumping over the edge of the large desk.

Colonel Bianca's lips quirked in an irritated frown. "Alphonse, when I accepted this position from General Mustang, it was with the solemn vow that I would never baby my agents. Especially those carrying the surname of 'Elric'."

Al groaned, burying his face in his hands. Once again, Ed had managed to create trouble for him without actually _doing_ anything. "Isn't there anything you can do? Any sort of advice?"

"Countless young men have been where you are before, and countless more will be there after. Suck it up."

Al repressed a flash of irritation. _When I am elected God-King of Amestris, _he thought sourly to himself, _Bianca-san will be sentenced to a torture chamber where all her uniforms are wrinkled._

"However," the colonel continued, "If this truly does bother you that greatly, then I will contact someone trustworthy to counsel you."

The irritation lightened just a little. _Maybe only half the uniforms,_ Al amended, raising his head to give her a look of gratitude. "Really?"

Bianca nodded. "You are one of my agents. I can't have you getting so distracted that you can't focus on your work. I'll have someone meet you at lunch in the mess hall."

Al knew a dismissal when he heard one, quickly scrambling to his feet and saluting before beating a hasty retreat.

ooooo

The library, always a quiet place so long as no homunculi, half-mad desert terrorists, or brothers who were far too attractive for their own good were involved, was totally silent at eight in the morning. It was a pleasant thing, being able to just hide in the little corner alcove created where two bookshelves met the walls of the building. Unfortunately, the chairs themselves were hard, cold, and altogether uncomfortable; a thing that made Al long for his nice warm bed. Especially since today was supposed to have been his day off, meant for sleeping in and lounging around in pajamas until one of his friends forced him outside to do something social. But if he went back to bed now, who knew what would happen?

Al groaned softly to himself and crossed his arms on the table, resting his head on them. _Considering what Ed looks like when asleep, I just might attack him. And what would I say, anyway? 'Hey Niisan, I think you're the sexiest thing since alchemy, wanna study some personal equivalent exchange?' Yeah, I can just see how _that_ would go._

Still, it was a huge temptation to go back and just stare at Ed for a while. Admire that handsome face, touch the silk-soft gold hair, run his tongue over his—

Al banged his head against the table.

"Okay, let's try thinking about this logically," he growled into the wooden surface. "I'm a healthy teenage boy in a high-stress job. I get urges, and while I have friends, there aren't that many people I'm really close to. So it's only natural that I'd get infatuated with the most emotionally important person in my life, even if he is male and my brother, right? Right?"

In his mind's eye, he could see Izumi giving him the stink-eye for trying to lie to himself. He wasn't sure he blamed her, since even he could tell how lame an attempt it had been. Perhaps it would be a good idea to stop. It would be just like the frumious woman who had taught both Elric brothers martial arts to come back from the afterlife to kick his ass for being a moron, and Izumi trouncings were no joke. Al decided not to think about his problems again until lunch. At least it wouldn't be difficult to distract himself in the library, at least so long as he wasn't found by—

"Why, if it isn't young Alphonse!"

—the head librarian. Al wondered if the gods were punishing him for something. Why else would they let him be cornered in the most secluded spot of the library by some crazy middle-aged woman who seemed totally incapable of realizing that he was not an innocent eight-year-old and had not been in years, especially since she was _supposed_ to be upstairs on the main level glaring daggers at anyone who even sneezed too loud?

He wanted desperately to yell at her, tell her to leave him the fuck alone. But if Alphonse Elric had one great fault, it was his uncontrollable urge to be polite to people.

Silently cursing his stupid manners, Al raised his head and gave the librarian a small polite smile. "Hello, Mrs. Thorne." Watching her, Al could almost _see_ her mind adding in something along the lines of "How are you? May I have a cookie?" Not for the first time, he wondered how in the world she could possibly be part of the military.

Old enough to be his grandmother, Mrs. Thorne was nearly as wide as she was tall, with a bosom that could be used as a murder weapon. Come to think of it, those things almost _had_ killed him before he managed to persuade her that he didn't like being hugged. Her hair was an iron grey dotted here and there by little yellow flowers that might have looked attractive if the style had not been an odd beehive shape, and her brown eyes were sharp as a hawk's when it came to anyone else doing a wrong in her library, but she had an odd blind spot for Al, refusing to believe any evil out of him. _Even that one time I got drunk and turned all the desks in the office building into giant popcorn balls or the prank I tried to play on Robert that accidentally got the Fuhrer covered in mint sauce. She just would not believe I was the one at fault, and blamed poor Robert for both of them. It took weeks to persuade her to let him into the library after each time. All because she can't grasp the thought that I'm not some little kid who thinks of nothing but sweets and sunshine._

And there was the source of the problem. Head Librarian Thorne was the head of what Al's friends all laughingly referred to as the "Innocent Baby Brother" faction. Those in it shared the misguided belief that all throughout their journey, Ed had kept him completely sheltered from all unpleasantness, and his loss of memory was from the trauma of whatever had happened at the very end that not even the Fullmetal Alchemist could shield him from. It was all utter crap, and a source of much frustration to Al, especially here in the library where all the reports either Ed or those around him were stored but he wasn't able to see any of them, all because Mrs. Thorne felt the information they contained might 'upset' him.

Thus went their silent little war for what at least _felt_ like an eternity.

The blonde teenager suddenly realized that while he had been brooding, Mrs. Thorne had still been speaking. Now she was looking at him expectantly, waiting for an answer to a question he hadn't heard. "Ah, I'm sorry…I was thinking about something. What did you say?"

Librarian Thorne looked mildly disapproving, but at the same time, disturbingly maternal. "I was asking just who you are supposedly in love with, to be asking Col. Bianca for advice at seven in the morning."

Al squawked, sputtering as that damn blush came back to his face. "How did you know about _that_?"

"Why, Angela told me about it, dear. You know her, my aide? She was delivering some documents that had been asked for and happened to overhear the two of you."

_Goddammit…_ The other problem with Mrs. Thorne was that she was one of the biggest gossips in Central, and had her thumb on the pulse of the entire army's comings and goings. "Ah…I really would rather not say who I'm interested in…" And since when did this woman have any right to know, anyway? All she'd done was given him grief!

"Of course you wouldn't, dear. You're a good boy, Alphonse, to want to spare this unknown girl any embarrassment. But really, you're _much_ too young to be thinking about such things. Why, when I was your age…"

As she launched into some long, boring tale about some time in what might have been the Late Jurassic, Al fumed. _When I am God-King of Amestris, she's going to be sentenced to an eternity of reshelving misshelved books! Some with porn hidden in them!_

"…and when my first husband proposed, to me, my own dear mother warned me of wedding too early…"

_AND a vow of silence!_ Al was starting to reach the end of his patience with the librarian, but he couldn't think of a plausible or polite excuse to leave…unless… "I'm sorry, Mrs. Thorne, I should go. My brother—"

"He's awake and currently in your commander's office, having a discussion over the phone with General Mustang, dear."

Why wasn't this woman working as a spymaster? "…oh."

Seeming to think that was an invitation, Mrs. Thorne once more launched into her chatter. "Richard from the medical training unit was dropping off the reports from all your physicals. He heard your brother arguing quite loudly and using very coarse language."

Al couldn't help but smile a little. That was so like Edward. He could be simply discussing the weather with Mustang, and they'd end up snarling. The librarian, however, pursed her lips in disapproval. Al wasn't sure whether it was for the arguing with a superior officer or the crude language, but either way, her disapproval irritated him. What right did she have? Edward's personality wasn't any of her business!

"I can see why you wouldn't be comfortable talking about your first crush with your brother," Mrs. Thorne finally said, totally unaware that the words made Alphonse alternately seethe and want to run away and hide, "While such violent behavior might serve in protecting you in the dangerous battlefields, it's hardly a proper role model for you in everyday concerns like girls."

Irritation turned to shock, then real anger. _Why you nosey presumptuous little…_

"But if you truly want to start meeting young women, I have a niece who works at the coffee shop down in the plaza who would be absolutely thrilled to meet you—"

"Anou…" _Matchmaking within YOUR family? I'd rather die!_

"—and she's such a sweet young thing, so trusting and trustworthy—you actually remind me quite a bit of her, Alphonse—and I said to my sister, 'Marge, you need to find that child a nice sweet boy of her own'—"

_If your niece is anything like me and has _you_ for an aunt, I feel incredibly sorry for her! _"Excuse me…"

"—And don't you know, she told me that since I see so many good young soldiers here at Central, it would be a great help to keep my eyes open at work for a good man to introduce her to—"

_This woman won't shut up,_ Al realized dazedly, entering a sort of blank phase as he tried frantically to keep his temper, _She just keeps talking and I can't kill her because that might get me banned completely from the library for getting blood on the books…_

"—and at first I thought I should perhaps ask your older brother, since she's quite admiring of him as a hero, but that temper and unmannered personality of his would just be entirely wrong for her, don't you agree? Why, he'd scare the living daylights out of her! I've noticed you seem to be the better reared of the pair, and such a sweet boy—"

_I would never allow you to torture my brother like that! Not if that girl was the last living creature on the face of this planet! And Ed, would you _please_ stop making trouble for me without actually _doing_ anything? This is the third time today!_ It was getting increasingly difficult to resist the temptation to strangle that fat neck, just to make the talking stop, and Al clenched his hands together on the wooden surface of the table in an attempt to control himself.

"—But it's been such a _challenge_ to find the right boy, I must say! There are lots of good men in the army, of course, but none really seemed _right_ for sweet little Melba. Then Angela mentioned the conversation she overheard earlier, and it seemed to me that since you might need to meet a nice young lady, I could—"

_You want to hook me up with a _MELBA_? _In a flash of utter desperation, Al scribbled a transmutation circle on the table and slammed his hands down to activate it, making it explode into a gigantic cloud of confetti. Then he made his escape in the technicolored confusion.

ooooo

The mess hall was a noisy crowded affair, especially at lunchtime, but Al preferred it just then, still extremely frayed from the scene in the library, even four hours after the fact. For a little while at least, the young alchemist wanted nothing to do with quiet secluded places. As it was, he planned to avoid the library altogether for as long as he possibly could. If he needed reference materials, he'd send someone else to go get them.

When he'd first come here after escaping the Librarian of Doom, Al had managed to find a single unused chair on the end of a table in the far back of the large room, its back to the entrance, and he had quickly taken it. He had been just in time to catch the end of breakfast, and someone had left a newspaper behind at his table, so at least he'd gotten something to eat and had something to read. Not wanting to venture forth and be the source of _more_ gossip for Mrs. Thorne, he stayed put even as the dishes were cleared away and the maids started cleaning the room. There was still a comfortable amount of noise, a mix of the maids talking, the moving of chairs, and the clatter of dishes being washed in the kitchen. He spent the first hour of his self-imposed exile picking all the confetti out of his hair and clothes. The stuff had gotten just about _everywhere_, as confetti was known to do. Of course, that meant that it would likely take years to find and remove every last scrap of it from the library. Al smirked to himself. _That should give Mrs. Thorne-In-My-Side something _useful _to do! _After that, the newspaper was a great help in passing the rest of the time, full of comedies, tragedies, human failings, human blessings, crimes and heroism. However, that was just the comics page. The rest of the articles sadly weren't nearly so interesting, but he still read them so that he had something to do besides focus on how tense he was or how hair-trigger his temper had gotten.

And he _especially_ didn't want to think about how everything would be better if he were to grab Ed, tie him down to the bed, and—

Thank goodness for crossword and sudoku puzzles. Those were all so complex that Alphonse's mind stayed blissfully blank of everything except letters and numbers for the entire time. In that time, people came and went, and slowly the mess hall filled again as the noon bell struck just as he filled in the last word, stretched, and rolled up the paper. Now he was just waiting for whoever Bianca had chosen to send to advise him on his problem. It was a good choice to choose the mess hall, he decided. His friends knew that he was likely to make small talk with whoever was next to him at lunch if the other person was so inclined, so even if someone he knew saw him, there wouldn't be any strange comments.

"Ah, such perfection! Even your newspaper is sexy!"

Except for Robert.

With a quick flick of the wrist, Al swung the paper backwards over his shoulder, hearing a yelp as he smacked his friend and fellow State Alchemist right on the nose. "Then kiss the paper and not me, you horny bastard."

"You're so cold," Robert sniffed, walking around and sitting down in the seat across from Alphonse, his pale green eyes artfully teary in his equally pale triangular face which was carefully set into a sad little pout, shoulder-length black hair slightly messy as always. "Here I am, crossing the great chaotic throngs of humanity to speak to you out of the goodness of my heart! Concerned, nay, _prostrate with worry_ over your well-being because I know that today is your day off, and you would normally lie around in bed like a sexy bum until I or one of the others rousted you out for an evening in the town! But do I hear even a single kind word?"

"Kind words are for people who don't make passes at other people's newspapers," Al shot back, amused in spite of himself. There was something about Robert that always made him laugh, no matter what kind of mood he was in.

Robert rolled his eyes. "Well, you complain when I make passes at your coat," he pointed out reasonably.

"I don't want you making passes at the coat. It's Niisan's, not mine."

"Are you planning on returning it?"

"Well…" Al murmured, hesitating as he fingered the cuff of one red sleeve, "He hasn't asked for it yet, but I suppose I should. I've just gotten fond of it, I guess. It's comfortable, warm, and stands up to most of the abuse I put it through." _And it was the closest thing to a hug that I could get for so long…_

"Why not get a second one made?" the brunette suggested, "Then you'd both have one."

Alphonse shook his head. "No, I don't think so. I haven't told Ed this, but there are still people out there after him with blood on their minds. Once they hear he's back, they'll start showing up. This coat was his trademark, so many if not all of them will likely attack whoever's wearing it without really checking faces. It helps that I actually resemble Niisan pretty closely. I know he can take care of himself, but I'd rather be the one to draw the fire, if I can."

Robert gave Alphonse a flat look. "Fullmetal-kun is going to be really angry with you when he finds out," he warned.

"He's not going to find out if you don't tell him," Al shot back, his expression turning stubborn. "He protected me for years. It's the least I can do to protect him while he gets settled." Rationally, Al knew just as well as anyone that Ed would figure it out eventually. His brother was far from stupid. But it would be worth his older brother's wrath to give him just a few more days where he could savor being home without worrying about his life.

Robert shook his head, but all he said was, "You know best, Spirit Walker."

The stubborn expression on the blonde's face turned to sour disgust. "Ugh, don't call me that," he groaned, "I can't believe the Fuhrer gave me that name. It's awful. Why couldn't he give me a name like…oh, Soul Theory? That sounds cool and mysterious! Spirit Walker just sounds like my soul hasn't been house trained and needs to be taken for walkies—why are you _laughing_? It's not funny!"

"It is!" Robert cackled, "You're so indignant, it's hysterical! You really _must_ be stressed if just mentioning your title is enough to get you ranting!"

Alphonse blinked, deflating a little. "Is it really that obvious?" he asked sheepishly.

The older alchemist shrugged. "Yes and no. You hide it well, and I can only tell by looking at you because your shoulders are all tensed up. However, everyone happens to be talking about how you're the cause of two hundred pounds of confetti clogging up one of the rooms of the library…"

"Does _everyone_ spend their time watching my every move?"

Robert chuckled, but not without sympathy. "Well, you're sort of the darling of Central, Al. You're so cute and earnest, as well as being a damn good soldier. People naturally want to snuggle you. And of course, you _are_ Fullmetal-kun's younger brother."

Al snapped. Perhaps it was all the references to his age or lack thereof he'd already had today, but his restraint gave out like an old rubber band. "WHO ARE YOU CALLING TOO YOUNG TO KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR HIM? I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU DEAL WITH BEING THE BROTHER OF A HERO, YOU MORON!" As he sat there panting after the outburst, the younger brother suddenly realized why Ed had his tantrums. They were remarkably therapeutic.

"Wow," Robert said, admiration warring with laughter, "That was a genuine Fullmetal Pixie moment."

Al glared at his friend before slumping across the table with a tired growl. "Wonderful. I'm so wound up that I'm acting like an idiot."

"You're acting like your _brother_."

"As I said!" Alphonse snapped, knowing he was being irrational, but past the point of caring. Besides, Ed was at least partially to blame for the whole morning.

"You really are pissed. What did the librarian _do_?"

"Insulted Ed, babbled at me like an old hen, and tried to match me up with her niece." A horrible thought occurred to Al, and he looked up anxiously at his friend. "She's not blaming you again, is she?"

To his relief, Robert shook his head. "Nope!" he replied cheerfully. "She's found far greener pastures to fertilize with her crap. She's been defaming the character of your brother, telling anyone who will listen that his uncivilized behavior is corrupting you."

Relief went right back to outrage.

"I'll kill her," Alphonse snarled, mangling the poor harmless newspaper in his hands, "I will freaking gnaw my arm off, get automail, and go axe murderer on that stupid bitch!"

"_Chill_, Al. Edward is already over there ripping her a new one. It's quite the fireworks display."

"And I'm _missing_ it?" Al wailed, but then thought better of it. "No…if I'm there, people will just think I'm hiding behind Niisan."

Robert nodded and reached over to ruffle Alphonse's dark golden hair. "You'll get a full report later, anyway. If the others from our group aren't all there enjoying the show, I'll be very disappointed."

"Why aren't you there?" the younger Elric asked, "This sounds like exactly your favorite kind of chaos."

The brunette smiled gently. "Orders from family. It seems that a certain alchemist I know has a need for some lessons in love."

Al blinked once, twice, then groaned and buried his head in his arms. "Not you! _Anyone_ but you!" he whined. How, _how_ could he have forgotten that Robert Corbie was actually Meredith Bianca's first cousin? He and his sister Jennifer certainly resembled Bianca close enough! He should have realized that the colonel would send him!

"Why not me? Don't you trust me?" Robert sniffed.

"You fall in and out of love every twenty minutes!"

"Who better to advise you, then? Besides, while Mr. Happy's attentions may wander, my heart remains forever yours!"

"Robert…" Al growled warningly, not really in the mood for the flirtation.

"Okay, okay. But still, you know that I'll at least listen and give you the best advice I can." the other alchemist said with a kind smile. "Merry and I both want you to be happy, Al."

Alphonse deflated and nodded slowly. "I know. It's just really embarrassing," he sighed.

"The first big crush always is," Robert said knowingly, "Especially if what Merry said is true and this is a crush you'd rather not be having." The swordsman raised an eyebrow, looking so much like his cousin for a moment that Al felt chills run down his spine. "Do I get to know who the lucky girl is?"

_Why does everyone assume it's a girl when I've never shown the slightest interest in them?_ Still, that helped in masking the unnatural love for his brother, so Alphonse decided not to enlighten his friend. "No, I don't think I will. I'm scared of what you'd do."

"I'm not _that_ much of a jealous lover, I'd only kill her a little bit," Robert joked, then shook his head. "Can I guess, then? Maybe that foreign queen that visited last week?"

"I wasn't here when she visited, Robert. How can I be in love with someone I've never seen?" Al pointed out.

"Um…osmosis?"

"That is _not_ how osmosis works!"

"Whatever," the other alchemist said with a shrug. "So you don't want to name names, which is fine. But is it really so distressing to be in love with her that you came begging advice from Merry, of all people?"

"Yes, because it's _hopeless_!" Al burst out. "The one I love is never going to return the feeling, and _shouldn't_ return it! _I _shouldn't even be feeling this way in the first place, because what I want could never work!"

Robert blinked. ""Al...are you in love with _Meredith_?"

"NO!"

"Kidding, I'm just kidding!" the older man yelped, shielding himself from the rage of an over-stressed Elric.

"Don't even joke about that! We'd never survive each other! And I just don't see her that way! I don't see _anyone _that way, except…" _…Niisan…_ Al had to stop, his words choked off by a soft sob.

"Al…" Robert reached out, touching his shoulder in an attempt to soothe. "Have you considered talking to your brother about this? The two of you are so close, he might at least be able to offer some sort of comfort."

Al shook his head. "Not Niisan. He wouldn't understand. To him, sex is the horrible thing that happens to other people. I don't think he'd handle it well if I told him I was having dreams about hot monkey sex with someone every night."

"What, he doesn't even know about the wet dreams? That's not right!" Robert cried, horrified.

"Eh? You're not usually so concerned about our relationship…"

"That's not it! It's every older brother's right to tease the younger sibling about their first naughty dream! Gods know I didn't let my sister get away without exercising that right!"

"And _that_ is why Jennifer's clockwork alchemy is all tested on you. No, I'll pass on telling Ed anything."

Robert didn't quite look convinced, but he shrugged again. "So long as you're sure, but he'd probably be able to help you think of a solution."  
"I doubt that. Ed barely thinks about anything besides alchemy, and all I can currently think about is how I want to grab the person I'm in love with and screw until we're both too drained to move."

"Alphonse!" the older man gasped, clutching his chest, "Such impure thoughts for a bride!"

"…bride?"

"Well, you never seem interested when I offer to become Roberta and be your woman, so I thought you might find it more interesting if you became my blushing bride, Alfina."

Al wondered if the lunch ladies would object to him stuffing Robert's head down one of the sinks. _When I am God-King of Amestris…_

"Aw, don't be annoyed. You know I'm only teasing."

"I didn't say anything."

"You didn't have to. You've got that 'God-King of Amestris' look on your face."

"Wait, you knew about my mean little fantasy?"

Robert smiled. "Everyone knows. When you nap at your desk, you talk in your sleep. Usually about what you'll do to anyone who happened to annoy you that day. So, have I managed to rate being doomed to a life sentence of hot pink toenails and open-toed sandals yet?"

"No." Al said flatly. "You, I'll just kill and get it over with."

"Love you too, Al. But getting back to your problem, do you really want to try and fall out of love?"

Al nodded. How could he ever truly face Ed if he continued to yearn for the press of the other's body against his own?

"It's hard, you know. And it's probably going to hurt like hell."

"I don't care. This already hurts," Al replied unhappily.

"Then maybe your best course of action is to follow Mrs. Thorne's advice."

"What? Robert, she wanted to set me up with a _Melba_."

"Melba? You mean the girl from the coffee shop?"

"Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?"

"I've met her, Al. She's actually really nice and great fun to talk to. She prefers to be called Mel, though. It sounds less Oh-My-God-I've-Been-Named-By-A-Crazy-Old-Woman and more hip."

"So? I fail to see where this is at all relevant."

"I'm saying," Robert said, his eyes lighting up as he warmed to the idea, "You should go out with her."

"Oh, _hell_ no!"

"Listen to me, Al. First of all, she's not actually nearly so close to your Archnemesis as you think. Heck, I didn't even know she _had_ an aunt until now. Second, the fastest way to forget an old love is to find a new one, especially if that old one is not possible. I'm not saying you have to marry Mel or anything, but you should at least try dating a time or two."

The blonde shook his head stubbornly. "I don't want to date anyone. I just want to stop feeling like this. I'm getting tired of having to sneak out of the room in the morning to avoid waking Niisan before the evidence is destroyed. I just want things to go back to normal."

Robert sighed. "I hate to tell you this, Al, but what you're going through now _is_ normal. You're sixteen, and actually getting your first love kind of late. It'd probably be better for you to start dating now instead of trying to shut everything off again."

"But…Niisan wouldn't like it…" Al quavered.

"This isn't _about_ Fullmetal-kun. It's about you and helping you get over your heartache. Now that you've started, you're not going to stop falling in love or feeling lust when you crave physical attention, so it's better that your brother gets used to it now. You're an adult, Al, and this is part of what comes with it. Even from a familial standpoint, doing all this now will be easier on both of you."

"What…what do you mean?" Al asked, getting the horrible feeling that he wasn't going to like what he was about to hear.

Robert seemed just as aware of impending displeasure, because he braced himself before speaking again. "The two of you have been so tightly focused on each other for most of your lives that it blinded you to everything else," he said, not unkindly, "The result is that the inevitable drifting of attention from your sibling came late, and that's hitting you just as hard as your first love. But Al…it's going to happen. The two of you can't be the sole focus of your mutual universe forever. You'll always be close, but sooner or later you're both going to find people you can share your entire souls with, and become closer to them. It'll be painful, but all close siblings go through it. And really, it will probably be even worse in your brother's case. Sure, he's oblivious now, but that can't last, and he's already eighteen, _way _past the point most people start noticing others as more than just 'people'. If your current brush with love is hitting hard, his is going to hit like a fully-loaded train running at full speed, with much the same effect. When it happens, Fullmetal-kun will probably lose sight of anyone else for a while, perhaps almost to the point of obsession. Any other guy around, even you, is going to be viewed as a potential rival. Trust me on this; I've seen it happen a lot, especially in my family."

Al felt like someone had poured a bucket of ice water on him. The very idea of Ed falling in love made him want to strangle this theoretical woman for potentially stealing his brother's love and attention. To go from being a loved and treasured brother to being thought of as nothing more than a mere rival, or even not thought of at all...it was worse than the possibility of being hated for being a perverted freak. He could feel his heart break, and his vision wavered, trails of warmth running down his face.

"Al! Oh geez, I didn't say that to make you cry!" Robert said, his voice and expression showing his distress. "I just meant that you dating now would get your focus off him enough that it wouldn't hurt as badly."

"Well, you did, and it does!" Alphonse snapped, pain turning to anger in a desperate and doomed attempt to cope. He shot to his feet, glaring at his friend through his tears. The blonde knew Robert was right, and that it wasn't fair to take his anger out on him, but that just made it worse. "I have no intention of dating anyone! AND IF YOU KEEP PUSHING IT ON ME, I'LL _NEVER_ ACCEPT YOU AS MY WOMAN, SEX CHANGE OR NOT!"

Complete silence filled the mess hall, and only then did Al remember where they were. His face flushed as he felt hundreds of eyes on them.

"Al…?" said a voice he'd have known anywhere, and really wished he wasn't hearing. A quick glance behind him proved that Ed had shown up just in time to hear his little outburst.

"Oh, my heart! It shatters!" Robert wailed, already running damage control by turning it into just another step of their banter. Later, Al would bless him for that, but right now it was all too much for him to take.

With a sob, he turned and fled, pushing right past his brother without stopping. He only barely noticed Ed demanding at the top of his lungs to know what the hell Robert had done to upset him and Robert telling him not to be so rough because he bruised easily. Al knew Robert would keep his secret.

The younger Elric brother didn't stop running until he'd reached his room, slamming the door behind him and locking it. Not even Ed had a key yet, so he was safe to fling himself onto the bed and just cry himself out.

It hurt…it _hurt_ to accept that Robert was right, but there wasn't any other choice. Ed put too much value in family not to want one of his own someday. Alphonse couldn't give him that, even if they hadn't been brothers, and that meant that Ed would eventually fall in love with and marry a woman and have children. _And meanwhile, the only one I want is _him_. _How did anyone survive this kind of pain? Was the only way of making things right truly to go out with some girl he'd never met and use her as a replacement in the hopes that his affections _might_ shift?

Alphonse heard a soft mew and reached out to hug his cat. It wasn't much comfort, but it was something, and he didn't want to see Edward just then. And at least it was enough to calm him down to the point where he could think without screaming.

As painful as it was, he knew he had to fix himself and cure his unnatural lust for his brother. Suicide was right out, of course. Alphonse _liked_ being alive, and such an action would only hurt Ed. He also wanted to remain in his brother's life for as long as he possibly could before Ed found someone else, so running away wouldn't work either. And even the attempt to drown himself in work would only get not only Ed but everyone in Bedlam on his case, so that was also out. As much as he found the idea repellant, Robert's solution was the only feasible action.

Al already knew it was going to be the worst thing he'd ever experienced. What he was going to do would be totally unfair both to the girl and to Ed, as well as make himself utterly miserable. But if it kept Edward safe from his little brother's twisted desires, then Alphonse would take whatever path he had to. He would talk to Robert again tomorrow, and arrange a meeting with Mel.

But for right now, he doubted anyone would blame him if he just hid in his room and wept for the rest of the day.

A/N: I'm not sure if I should write a second part to this or not. I figure I'll give it a shot if enough people seem interested. Otherwise, it probably does okay as a oneshot.


End file.
